4th of July 

We had a great 4th of July. We spent it out on the lake. Fishing. And later that night we watched many fireworks. 

We all ended up a bit crispy sadly but it was worth it. 



My first time tubing.

So on July 2nd I went tubing for the first time. Now I’ve been tubing down a river. Which is very peaceful. I enjoyed that tubing. I’ve also been snow tubing also fun. Can be a bit scary depending on what is at the end of said hill. But still fun. 

Now I’m not to keen on getting on things that don’t have brakes! Or a stop button. As there’s times when your wishing you hadn’t inserted that quarter into the ride. 

But since J had went tubing a few days back (ans hubby had done his share of tubing years ago) I was the only one left having not been on a tube. Being pulled behind a water mobile. In this case the tube is pulled behind a jet ski. 

So friends of ours invited us out to the lake to swim. Ride the jet ski and go tubing. Figured why not you only live once. Just last year I rode a jet ski for the first time. 

Thought since that went so well. Bring on the tube.  Now at the time I wasn’t quite sure the goal or reason behind tubing. Was it to be like a faster way of tubing down a river but on a lake. Add a little more thrill to said tubing. 

Now I’ve seen tubes get flung up in the air sending it’s riders bouncing across the water like a stone being tossed to see how many skips one can get. 

So in the back of my mind that was rolling around. 

But I climbed onto the tube. My hubby was driving the jet ski. And our friends daughter waa riding on the tube with me. So I didn’t have to go alone. Which was great. No one likes doing something new alone. You want the company so you can be terrified together. 

We get going I thought well this isn’t so bad. Then the water smacks you in the face. Not to thrilled with that. Having contacts in they tried to come out  which would have left me visually impaired. 

More water splashes up. The wind is whipping around you. Your tossed up and down. Side to side. Your holding on for dear life. I bounced off only my arms were holding on a one point. I managed to bounce and move my way back up on the tube. Just in time for hubby to turn the opposite way. Tipping us sideways. The gal riding with fell off. Which stopped the ride. 

I was feeling a bit overwhelmed. I was to terrified to let go.  But yet it was fun all at the same time. We make it back up to shore. I breath a sigh of relief land ha! 

Once the adrenaline wore off I was like that wasn’t to bad. Which led to me going out again. This time with my friend on the tube with me and her husband driving the jet ski. 

Now my hubby he is a pro at pulling tubes and sending people sailing. He made the next time I got on the tube seem like nothing. Now I’m happy no proud to say i never fell off. I held tight to said tube. 

I was never flung across the lake like a stone. 

Now with that said. I’m sure I’ll likely never get on that tube again. I survived and that’s enough for me. I can mark it off of things I’ve never done. The next morning after tubing I felt like I was hit by a Mac truck.  I’m to old for that. 

However I don’t mind pulling the tube. Im nice though. I don’t fling the riders off. Though i know I know the goal is to send your riders across the water off the tube. See how many skips you can get ha! Ok maybe not quite that exactly. 

And the goal of the ones riding or least for me is to hold on and don’t fall off. 

But what I do know is it was an adventure. And I enjoyed it  I loved getting to share that moment with my hubby. 

And watching J play with his friends. J loves going to the lake. It was a great day. 

Days are flying by. 

Just life.

We have been super busy lately. Seems like we haven’t had much down time. Last Saturday I went to an auction with a friend, while the guys went fishing with one of theirs.  We all had a great day. I scored some nice stuff. The guys caught some nice fish. 

Oh speaking of fish the weekend before last hubby caught a 5lb 2ounce large mouth bass. We are getting it mounted. 

Then this Sunday we went out with hubby’s family to chuck e cheese for a blended birthday fun, not sure who had more fun. The adults or J ha! 

J went over to visit his grandparents. While hubby and I came home to do chores. J ended up eating an entire box of Swiss cake rolls thanks to his grandma (to say I wasn’t to happy is an understatement). Especially after he threw up in bed in the middle of the night. 

Then Monday J’s friend came over to play. So two boys who are both 6 and a half years old. All day. Where do they get all their energy from. They never stopped moving. While they played. I cleaned out our 3 season porch. Cleaned the goat pasture. Once his friend left we headed straight for tball practice. 

Tuesday I tilled the 4th garden. J and I went for a bike ride. Then the buyers for the 7 piglets came and picked them up. We were also invited for a friends birthday party. But I was to tired to go. 

Wednesday I shampooed all carpets and rugs. Swept and mopped floors. Cleaned the kitchen and bathroom. Then had tball game to go to.  

Today has been a bit slower.  Just the basic farm chores. Gonna rearrange a few things so we can move the hutch I bought at the auction into the house. 

Oh and now we have the lawn mower saga 2.0. As j and I were mowing last Thursday we got half the lawn mowed. As I was mowing up the driveway the mower stopped working. The blades wouldn’t spin. I look and find a pulleye broke. 

It’s not one of the easy ones to fix. You have to take the motor of and even then we don’t know if we can fix it .

So I figured I’d try and get the black mower going. Get the battery put in it  then had to look for a belt to put on it. 

That proved harder then expected. Every belt we had on the farm wasn’t the right size. Went to town the next day drop off the fish to be mounted. Then get a belt. Well that didn’t pan out to say the least. 

No belt for the black mower and red mower is completely broke. This all leads to us mower shopping. We are just looming at which one we want. Then to order.  

Then the fun of mowing the yard. Which needs to be mowed! Just batting a thousand this year with the mower.  Winter I had a plow truck that was constantly breaking down. Talk about frustrating.  

Tomorrow. We may go into town to go garage saleing.  Then it’ll be the weekend. Which sounds like we will be fishing. Shocker right ha! 

Here’s a pic of the 4th garden tilled up. The radishes are done. We can freely pick and eat them. 

The number on the scale. 

So I had a doc appointment Tuesday. Just a usual check up. All is fine and dandy. Love my new doc. Hopefully she doesn’t go and retire. Just how my luck ends up going. I liked my one doctor who delivered J but she no longer excepts new clients. For just basic appointments have to be pregnant. 

Such is life. 

But the reason for this blog was to discuss my biggest problem from the appointment. See in reality this shouldn’t be a problem. Shouldn’t bother me at all. 

But usually I avoid scales. Odd right. Well let me explain why. I lived/live with an eating disorder. And scales are a trigger for me. So I simply don’t use them. We don’t have one in our home. 

I had an exercising Aneroxia. I ate no more then 200 calories a day. And then would work out to burn those 200 calories and then some. I stepped on a scale every morning. Then depending on the number on the scale. Would determine my mood and what I would do. Would I work out before eating. Would I try for less then 200 calories? 

I am 5ft 8.5inches tall. And the heaviest I’ve ever been was 170. That waa difficult on me. When I seen that number after a year of trying not to care about my eating habits or exercising. Due to the fact I was trying to get pregnant. (This was before J was ever conceived.) 

I felt out of control. Not only was I having trouble getting or staying pregnant. But now I had felt fat. 

The feeling of being out of control was the worst. So that lead me back to my eating issues.  

Within 6 months I was down to 122lbs. And even that didn’t seem like enough. I still felt fat. I felt ugly. I needed the scale to keep moving down. I needed to feel like I had control over something.  I even found myself eating alone any chance I got. That way if I ate more then my 200 calories I wouldn’t feel so guilty. Also meant a longer workout. 

I was so moody. Hard not to be. When you feel fat and ugly. Add to that your also starving. Part of me felt I was punishing my body for not doing the one thing it should. And that was get and stay pregnant. So if it couldn’t do that. Thin I wanted to be thin and perfect.  

When I met my now husband I was at my lowest weight of 120/122lbs. I wasn’t eating fast food. Or sugar items. 

I was up front about my eating issues. And my inability to have kids. Hey he needed to know what he was getting himself into. That’s a lot to deal with. 

He helped me give up my scale. Not easy by any means. The thing I relied on to tell me I’m doing good was gone. It meant relying on myself and my husband. Each day he got me to eat more. To relax more.  I still worked out. And stayed active. But wasn’t to the extreme as it was before. 

I still would struggle from time to time. I’d find myself falling back into old habits. Feeling fat/fluffy. But I pushed through. I wanted to get better. I wanted to feel human again. 

8 months after hubby and I were together. I was up to 145lbs. Only reason I know this was I found out I was pregnant! And they had weighed me  normally I try not to look at the scale when at the doctors office. But I did that time. Due to being pregnant I wanted to know I was at a safe weight. 

Being pregnant waa great I loved being pregnant. I can honestly say not once did the thought of weight come to mind. I was content. Even after having J. I was fine with not having the perfect body afterwards. I did lose all my baby weight after having him. But things were still fluffy of course. 

I didn’t mind. Not till he was 6 months old. Then I started to struggle. I had to learn to be happy with my new body. I also had to eat well since I was breastfeeding. 

I began working out when I could. Walking often. Trying to stay active helped. 

I’d have roller coaster moments. Some days I’m good with my body. Other days not so much. 

I tried exercising to get thin. I could never manage to get the look I wanted. That tooth pick look so to speak.  It wasn’t till just last August I realized I needed to workout for my body type. I’ll never be a tooth pick. Not healthy one anyways. 

I’m more of an althetic body type. I opted to gain muscle. Tone certain areas that are not my top fav spots. But having the farm and family. I needed to be healthy and strong. I needed to be able to till 800lb hay bales into the cow been when needed. Or wrangle a bull calf when he needed to be banded. 

So I now focus on eating better. And working out to gain muscle. I cut out soda pop little over 2 months ago. I take vitamins. And try drinking more water. Easier said then done. 

But This all leads us to the fateful day Tuesday. I stepped on a scale. I couldn’t see the number. So I was glad. But then on the way home I was looking at my med sheets they sent home and there it was. 

My weight. I hadn’t weighed myself in a very long time. Last time I was 145/150. 

But not now. I’m 160lbs!!! Seriously!!! My mood dropped! I was angry. 

I instantly felt my mind slip back into my old habits. I was like I’ll cut back on calories. Few weeks of very little to eat. And uping my workouts. It’ll be ok. I’ll drop 10 lbs no problem. 

I couldn’t figure out how I let this happen? How was i almost at my heaviest weight ever?

I was/am spiraling. But I’m working through it  I didn’t eat less. I did work out but not over the top. 

I reminded myself that just last Saturday I ran a 5k in 36mins. And I didn’t get winded or sore afterwards. That I am fit. I am healthy. Even the doctor said my weight was good. 

I look in the mirror though and I feel fat now. I see fat. In the back of my mind I worry about my weight getting out of hand. I also worry about my eating disorder getting out of hand. 

It’s a hard line to walk…..

But I’m doing it. I’m taking each day as it comes. I quiet the voices that make me question my weight. That want me to eat less to diet. 

I stay active. I set goals. I keep busy. 

I won’t let my eating disorder control me. I control it  i won’t let it destroy my foundation. 

This is just another hurdle to jump. A hill to climb. And I will do it…..